I’ve been trying so hard to move on.
I’ve been trying so hard to show everyone-to show myself-that I’ve moved on.
But it’s not true.
I hate this feeling.
What if the only way I will move on is if someone else comes along?
Someone else… perfect for me? Ha. That’s likely.
We were perfect for each other. You used to know that. Or I thought you did.
Good luck finding someone like me. Finding someone who knows you like I did.
You know that your life has already peaked? You were at your best, and now you’re already going down hill. You would have been lucky to have someone like me. I bet you won’t get that chance again.
I have so many dreams, so much ambition, but I was willing to give all that up, for you.
But you left anyway.
And I feel like an idiot for missing you this badly, but that doesn’t change the fact that I do. That doesn’t change the way I feel.
I can feel you. Sometimes I think you’re standing beside me. Sometimes I think you’re going to lean down and whisper in my ear like you used to. But then you don’t.
You know you never treated me fairly. You know that, right? Guys aren’t supposed to treat girls the way you treated me, unless they plan to treat them that way forever. Good guys don’t.
I feel like I’m standing in a crowded room, a room crowded with you. But I can’t get close to you, no matter how hard I try. I hear the last words you spoke to me over and over and over. The fact that the very last time you spoke to me you used the nickname that ONLY you were aloud to use for me… that was selfish.
You told me it was the end, but you made that I felt like it wasn’t.
You were selfish.
You know what else is selfish?
The way you inhabit my dreams. I’m scared to sleep because I’m scared to see you.
In my dreams you’re the old you, the you I remember. And I hate that. I hate that, because when I wake up, I have this brief moment of utter bliss. This bliss of you. You, in all your glory. You-your charisma-the way you lit up a room. Your laugh. You, making me laugh. And then, in a second, the moment is passed, and I realize that the dream was a lie, just like so much of what you said to me.
Why can’t I just forget about you? You inhabit my memory like you inhabited my life, a few months ago.
Specific sentences that you said, run over and over in my mind. “My favorite thing about you is the way you’re always laughing. I love the way that you’re genuinely happy, and you laugh at me. But when I’m just being stupid, you don’t. Even if everyone else is laughing. It’s like you hold me to a higher standard. I have to work for your laughs, while other people don’t. I’m not used to that.” Do you know how many times I’ve run that over in my head? It’s stupid. I’m stupid, I guess, for taking things that you said flippantly, seriously.
I’m the one that’s been made a fool in all of this.
I’m the one that’s still hanging on, even though I don’t want to. I’m the one who cares.
It’s not fair that you get to just go on with your life-forgetting.
The sad part is, I think I’m fine. But then I hear a song, or I hear a word, or-like today-I see a picture, and it sends me right back to this.
It’s not fair.